Man-rating system January 26, 2009

I know it isn’t fair, and it isn’t the least bit nice…but myself and some friends have created a likert scale for potential mates/dates.  Our system runs 1-10, like an average 10 scale, only with ours one can receive extra credit.  For example, any of the following automatically adds 2 points: playing a guitar, especially playing a guitar and singing, wearing a tuxedo, a police/fireman/construction worker uniform and mechanics.  USPS, UPS, FEDEX, and other authorized delivery men can get up to 2 points. 

On my rating system a man can earn a single bonus point with accessories: a tool belt (with tools), a power tool, a baby (yes, I so did just use a baby as an accessory).  2 points if the kid not his and he is just being a good uncle/friend/Samaritan), a PhD, a crucifix (if a man is a Catholic who loves Jesus he automatically gets a bonus point), pizza dough (he can get 2 points if he is tossing the dough in the air), or a tie. 

Notice how “expensive sports car” never made the list?  First, I am not a money grubbing woman by nature.  Also I am a plus sized model who doesn’t adjust properly into most of those shminnie vehicles.  By the way, a big manly truck of any kind gets a bonus point. 

There are also situations that can earn points.  For example, if you are taking your Mom or Grandmother to the grocery store or to church, you get one point.  If you are taking Dad to a baseball game or for a beer (not a case of beer, but a beer or two), you get a point.  If you are normal looking and shopping in a book store, grocery store, or at the library reading, you get a point. 

So here it is, you can be a 4 and if like one of my crushes you have a PhD and a guitar you are now an 8.  Congratulations.  If I catch you with a nephew you might actually become a 10.  The PhD is hot because I value brains more than dinero.  At the end of the day I would like someone who can hold their own in an intelligent conversation, and lets face it…nerds do it better.

Wanna know why you’re single (for men) January 20, 2009

OK.  I know that if you are a man and reading this you are probably already offended.  Chances are you think that it is the women who are just not right for you, it is not you that is wrong for them. 

I am here to give you some advice as to why you are not getting a second or even a first date.  (This will also help those of you who are Internet dating)

First, women don’t want to be asked how big their boobs are.  If their boobs appear to be big, chances are that they are in fact big; we can call this Buffy’s Law.  Also, only ask a woman questions online that you wouldn’t be ashamed to ask her in person AND in front of your Mother.  If you, in front of your Mother, would ask a woman you just met “What is your favorite sexual position”, or “When is the last time that you had sex”, then you should seek the help of a therapist. 

A real woman does not like to talk about sex until she is comfortable with you.  If immediately after talking to a woman she loves to talk about sex with you, she is not “the one”, she is a slut.  She talks this way comfortably because she talks this way all of the time and has sex with everyone.  If slutty women are your thing, then maybe she is “the one”, but you can meet that girl in any skanky bar around town. 

My general rule of thumb is that the more people talk about sex, the less sex they are actually getting.  There is something to be said about the whole mystery.  Mysteriousness is sexy. 

Don’t ever use the phrase “nice guys finish last”.  The truth is, there really are not nice guys.  At least not in the way you define them.  Nice guys are whiny guys.  Nice guys are the ones who bitch and moan about their ex girlfriends all the time.  Women don’t want to hear about your ex.  We are very competitive, even with ex girlfriends.  How would you feel if we compared your penis size to that of all of our former lovers?  (By the way, we all do that, but we don’t say it out loud, at least to you)

When interested in a woman, you should ask her questions about what things she is interested in.  You should spend the same amount of time telling her things about yourself.  If you have given an exemplary interview and leave the date knowing nothing about her, you failed. 

If you have read this and you are offended, chances are you are exactly the person who SHOULD be reading this advice.

Wanna know why you’re single? January 20, 2009

Ever been asked “so, why are you single”.  I admit I have tried Internet dating, clearly unsuccessfully.  I have had guys ask me this question nearly every time I “chat” with someone new.  I usually reply with the casual “I have just not found what I’m looking for”. 

Generally speaking, it doesn’t matter what my answer is because they ALWAYS end up talking about sex.  They look at my photos, they see big boobs and the conversation always ends up asking me what size my jagungas are.  They ask my favorite position, sometimes I reply “on my knees”, no not on my knees for, well you know, but on my knees in prayer.  I often tell them that if I don’t get married by 36 I am joining the convent.  This usually gets them far far away from me.  I actually don’t plan on joining the convent, although I admire women of the cloth, it is just not for me.  That really is the only excuse that will get pigs off my back. 

So I happen to know this girl…she is 35, single, and always wonders why.  She believes that God is going to send “the one” to her when the time is right.  This girl is mean, bitter, wears ugly Christmas sweaters (and Easter, and Spring, and Fall with little leaves and pumpkins on them), she also happens to have a beard.  It’s easy to point out why she is single.  If she would only ask me I would find a kind way of telling her that I own my very own professional wax pot.  (Because it is much easier to just wax your own brows than finding the right esthetician in this town.)

I know another girl who is near my age who is single.  She hates herself.  She hates herself for being single, for being “plump”, and she is not happy in her career.  Most days she doesn’t shower before work or put any makeup on and goes to work looking like a slob.  The kicker is that when she does decide to get dressed up, her entire personality changes from funny sloppy girl (whom I happen to adore), to mean nasty stuck up girl, who looks down her nose at everyone.  Wanna know why you’re single????  I’ll tell you too.

Then there is me.  I am large, but I happen to love myself.  Not like the fat girls on Montel or Jerry Springer who wear tank tops that all of their rolls hang out of, but in a classy manner.  I try to wear clothing that flatters my body.  I wear makeup and bathe every day.  Every time I leave the house is a new opportunity to meet new people, not just boyfriends, but networking opportunities, and common folk.  I am really not planning on joining the convent, but I admire the religious (especially the Franciscan nuns who I had an opportunity to spend time with in Central America once upon a time).  I am a woman of faith. 

So, next time someone asks me why I’m single I really don’t know how to reply.  I don’t want to sound cynical…I am not looking for a hookup or to talk about sex.  All of those things will come in due time if you are a gentleman.  Youngstown is not a good breeding ground for men or for jobs.  Why AM I single?  The easy answer is because I am fat.  That is pretty sad because I know there are some decent chubby chasers out there and as far as large women go, I kinda have it goin on. 

My advice for single women.  First off look in the mirror.  If you have a unibrow, mustache, beard, or any other strange facial hair, you might want to seek professional assistance.  Also, nothing wrong with wearing a little makeup.  Even women who claim to be “naturally beautiful” can spruce up their look with a little mascara and gloss.  If you own any of the following in your wardrobe you should be packing these things in the Goodwill bag: looney tunes shirts, anything winnie the pooh, shirts that say “struthers”, thick hair scrunchies, holiday sweaters, flannel shirts (unless you live on a productive farm or you heat your home with a wood burning stove), or stirrup pants. 

As for me, well…we’ll have to see what happens.

Doggie Birthday Party January 7, 2009

If you had read the “about me” section of my blog, it clearly states that I love my dog like she is a child.  Sure, this could be obvious displacement for the fact that I am nearly 30 years old and I’m still single with no children, but nonetheless, Chloe is allowed to sit on the couch with me and sleep in my bed.  Sometimes I even let her use a pillow.  Call me crazy, but my black fur covered companion is always here for me.  I’m sure sometimes she would rather me leave her alone, and sometimes I know she doesn’t want to chase a ball or a squeaky toy and looks at me the same way I would look at you if you asked me to go “jogging” or play a game of “flag football”. 

Although I think of my dog as a friend and companion, we still have our limits.  Let’s take for example my friend who I will name “Dee” for purposes of protecting her identity.  She has a “fancy” dog, I personally don’t remember the breed, but she cost about $1000 and has to be professionally groomed and wears pink bows in her hair.  (If I tried to put a pink bow on Chloe she would give me the stink eye) Dee, planned a birthday party for her dog for this afternoon.  She mailed out invitations, one for myself and Chloe, and some other friends of ours with dogs.  She bought a doggy bone cake, treat bags for the dogs, made them and the human companions party hats, and plans on catching the whole thing on video for “Lacey’s first birthday party”.  Are you kidding me? 

Maybe I am mean.  Well, I guess one can assume that I have mean tendencies….but really?  I haven’t had such a lavish birthday party for myself since I was a toddler, and I’m sure even my crazy mother didn’t make us party hats, have fancy goodie bags, and although I don’t know if they even had real video cameras back in the day, but there are hardly even any pictures! 

Am I just being pessimistic here, or is there a line that should be drawn?  (No matter what your response is, I am not kicking Chloe off of my bed)

What I really learned January 6, 2009

The only thing I am certain of is uncertainty.  For some time I thought I knew who I was and where I was headed only to find out at the end of a 5 year journey that I really am in the same place that I started.  I started college as an adult.  I had left a not-so-promising career in an automotive factory where I was making a decent living to pursue a lifelong dream of completing a college degree in psychology.  The good news is, although I am working a job at the moment that I refer to as “my newspaper route job”, in a bookstore, I would have lost my job at GM a few years ago in the initial layoffs when the rest of my friends became unemployed.  (If that can be considered good news). 

            I am only one of three people in my entire family to have a college degree.  I am proud of this.  As a second generation American (Mexican-American), I was not born into a life of privilege.  At the age of 18 in a Latino household, you do not get to choose which college you want to attend and move away.  I had to get a job or multiple jobs and help pay the bills, and as the youngest had to help my Mom out at home.  I am proud to be a part of my family.  We are all hard workers and we are very passionate people.  We share close relationships with each other and our friends.

            I am reflecting on my past because I need to document my progress in order to focus on my future.  I was in a big hurry to graduate only to find out after crossing the finish line that I entered a big black abyss with only a tiny keychain sized flashlight.  I will be honest; this kind of has me twisted, if you can’t already tell!  I am proud of my academic and personal accomplishments.  I made it through a parental divorce that was probably the worst time in my life.  I had to learn as an adult child to split holidays, gain a stepmother, stepsiblings, and still maintain loyalty to my real parent who was waiting at home with an attitude.  I was once engaged to a videogame and starwars obsessed narcissist with no promise of a future with a side of mental illness (that was a waste of 6 years of my life that I can’t have back). 

            I learned who I was, who I am, who I want to be.  I found God.  I also found religion.  I became passionate about music and God.  I started singing again.  I started to love myself.    I act in plays!  I learned to speak a second language fluently by choice, spent time in a third world country, and learned to play the guitar.  These were things that were on my “bucket list”, and I am very proud!  I learned to go get what I want.  I make things happen. I am truly blessed with great friends and family and I know that I would never be who I am without their support and love.  (I am sorry in advance if I ever blog mean/funny things about you.) I am nervous about the future, but I know I am in good hands.  I made it through all of that without any clarity, and now I am excited about what is in store!