OK. I know that if you are a man and reading this you are probably already offended. Chances are you think that it is the women who are just not right for you, it is not you that is wrong for them.
I am here to give you some advice as to why you are not getting a second or even a first date. (This will also help those of you who are Internet dating)
First, women don’t want to be asked how big their boobs are. If their boobs appear to be big, chances are that they are in fact big; we can call this Buffy’s Law. Also, only ask a woman questions online that you wouldn’t be ashamed to ask her in person AND in front of your Mother. If you, in front of your Mother, would ask a woman you just met “What is your favorite sexual position”, or “When is the last time that you had sex”, then you should seek the help of a therapist.
A real woman does not like to talk about sex until she is comfortable with you. If immediately after talking to a woman she loves to talk about sex with you, she is not “the one”, she is a slut. She talks this way comfortably because she talks this way all of the time and has sex with everyone. If slutty women are your thing, then maybe she is “the one”, but you can meet that girl in any skanky bar around town.
My general rule of thumb is that the more people talk about sex, the less sex they are actually getting. There is something to be said about the whole mystery. Mysteriousness is sexy.
Don’t ever use the phrase “nice guys finish last”. The truth is, there really are not nice guys. At least not in the way you define them. Nice guys are whiny guys. Nice guys are the ones who bitch and moan about their ex girlfriends all the time. Women don’t want to hear about your ex. We are very competitive, even with ex girlfriends. How would you feel if we compared your penis size to that of all of our former lovers? (By the way, we all do that, but we don’t say it out loud, at least to you)
When interested in a woman, you should ask her questions about what things she is interested in. You should spend the same amount of time telling her things about yourself. If you have given an exemplary interview and leave the date knowing nothing about her, you failed.
If you have read this and you are offended, chances are you are exactly the person who SHOULD be reading this advice.
I love that we get the girls’ and boys’ versions here. Buffy’s law. Yep. I’ve actually had men ask me that, not for about 10 years, but before then, all the time. I’m right with you on the make-up. Even at the grocery store…I say put on a little lipstick cuz’ who wants to run into that betch from high school without the make-up barrier.
Great posts, Buff. I like the no-nonsense tone. You’re like a straight from the Yo advice columnist. And yes, the Struthers shirts (Struthers people are weirdly proud of their Struthersness. Strange).
I never ask a girl her favorite sexual position. I mean, who cares? Circle gets the square. I rule at comments!
Haha! Good post buddy! (although I would have to add to Buff’s law that when in person, I tend to get the “man your boobs are big” as opposed to “how big are your boobs?” which I almost prefer because it beats trying not to notice that my girls are being ogled.) I ESPECIALLY love the part about “nice guys”. Sister, once you are settled down with a nice fellow, you should write a book!
I don’t mind asking sexual questions in front of my mother because she’s dead. What is she going to do roll her eyes? My mother in law I might be tempted to ask how much I could pay you to kill her, in her presence.