Wanna know why you’re single? January 20, 2009

Ever been asked “so, why are you single”.  I admit I have tried Internet dating, clearly unsuccessfully.  I have had guys ask me this question nearly every time I “chat” with someone new.  I usually reply with the casual “I have just not found what I’m looking for”. 

Generally speaking, it doesn’t matter what my answer is because they ALWAYS end up talking about sex.  They look at my photos, they see big boobs and the conversation always ends up asking me what size my jagungas are.  They ask my favorite position, sometimes I reply “on my knees”, no not on my knees for, well you know, but on my knees in prayer.  I often tell them that if I don’t get married by 36 I am joining the convent.  This usually gets them far far away from me.  I actually don’t plan on joining the convent, although I admire women of the cloth, it is just not for me.  That really is the only excuse that will get pigs off my back. 

So I happen to know this girl…she is 35, single, and always wonders why.  She believes that God is going to send “the one” to her when the time is right.  This girl is mean, bitter, wears ugly Christmas sweaters (and Easter, and Spring, and Fall with little leaves and pumpkins on them), she also happens to have a beard.  It’s easy to point out why she is single.  If she would only ask me I would find a kind way of telling her that I own my very own professional wax pot.  (Because it is much easier to just wax your own brows than finding the right esthetician in this town.)

I know another girl who is near my age who is single.  She hates herself.  She hates herself for being single, for being “plump”, and she is not happy in her career.  Most days she doesn’t shower before work or put any makeup on and goes to work looking like a slob.  The kicker is that when she does decide to get dressed up, her entire personality changes from funny sloppy girl (whom I happen to adore), to mean nasty stuck up girl, who looks down her nose at everyone.  Wanna know why you’re single????  I’ll tell you too.

Then there is me.  I am large, but I happen to love myself.  Not like the fat girls on Montel or Jerry Springer who wear tank tops that all of their rolls hang out of, but in a classy manner.  I try to wear clothing that flatters my body.  I wear makeup and bathe every day.  Every time I leave the house is a new opportunity to meet new people, not just boyfriends, but networking opportunities, and common folk.  I am really not planning on joining the convent, but I admire the religious (especially the Franciscan nuns who I had an opportunity to spend time with in Central America once upon a time).  I am a woman of faith. 

So, next time someone asks me why I’m single I really don’t know how to reply.  I don’t want to sound cynical…I am not looking for a hookup or to talk about sex.  All of those things will come in due time if you are a gentleman.  Youngstown is not a good breeding ground for men or for jobs.  Why AM I single?  The easy answer is because I am fat.  That is pretty sad because I know there are some decent chubby chasers out there and as far as large women go, I kinda have it goin on. 

My advice for single women.  First off look in the mirror.  If you have a unibrow, mustache, beard, or any other strange facial hair, you might want to seek professional assistance.  Also, nothing wrong with wearing a little makeup.  Even women who claim to be “naturally beautiful” can spruce up their look with a little mascara and gloss.  If you own any of the following in your wardrobe you should be packing these things in the Goodwill bag: looney tunes shirts, anything winnie the pooh, shirts that say “struthers”, thick hair scrunchies, holiday sweaters, flannel shirts (unless you live on a productive farm or you heat your home with a wood burning stove), or stirrup pants. 

As for me, well…we’ll have to see what happens.