Mommy training February 22, 2009

I recently had the opportunity to train my Mother at a temp job because I will be making my first big career move tomorrow.  Once upon a time my Mom was a legal secretary for many years.  She had retired about 5 years ago due to some serious health conditions, and now she is ready to slowly make a comeback into the workforce.  So, it was up to me to get her up to speed on the Internet, checking/sending email, using a new phone system, and logging client calls as a switchboard operator.  Those of you who know me, might know that I have the patience of a mosquito at a fourth of July picnic. 

After two days I am pleased to announce that I only made Mom cry twice.  It isn’t that I yell, but apparently I “click” too fast.  I tried to explain to her that there is a difference between “clicking twice” and “double clicking”, what exactly a task bar is, what it means to BCC, and ultimately got frustrated when I had to explain why I was pissed that she was sending “Mike”, “MARK’s” emails!  When it came time to put her in the drivers seat at the big girl desk, it came to a huge meltdown.  

She also kept uttering things like “you keep forgetting I don’t have a computer”, “I can’t”, or “you don’t understand”.  If you knew this woman you would realize that she has kicked my ass into becoming one tough cookie.  I do not take any shit from anyone, ever.  Now she has become this helpless victim who is afraid of an inanimate mouse!  I gave her the pep-talk that was Superbowl worthy as to why she is not allowed to say “I can’t”, but she is going to GET IT, if it is the last thing she does.  No more whining. 

A job that took me literally 20 minutes to learn, took her 2 full days and I am still nervous she might have a meltdown.  I believe we take for granted the experience and knowledge that we have, and how we might “lose it” if we lose it.  I honestly could teach my Labrador Chloe to cook me a 5 course dinner on the stove faster than I could teach my mom to navigate the  information superhighway.  That being said, Chloe is a really smart dog.

facebook is out of control. February 16, 2009

So, I am kind of addicted to facebook from my office, where I am somewhat under-worked.  (not complaining about that of course)

I don’t get it.  What is a superpoke, and why do people want to do that to someone.  I sure don’t want such a generous poke from any of my friends.  Also, why do you have to pay now to send someone an online burger or cupcake.  It costs $1 for enough points to send someone a photo of a hot dog.  I can buy you 2 hot dogs from Jays or JIBJAB for that price.  OMG, I totally want jibjab STILL. 

Then I got addicted to the “Sorority Life” application.  I am at work where I am making money, but now have an avitar (which looks nothing like me by the way because there are NO fat chicks in the sorority on facebook), who has a job, socializes, and fights with other people and steals money.  Although when I entered college I felt I was too old to rush a sorority I am pretty certain there are laws about not beating chicks up and stealing their cash.  The only thing that is moderately accurate, from my recollection, is the high cost of ugly coach bags and SUV’s.  None of their socializing includes getting shitfaced, partying til dawn, and failing exams (or getting pregnant), also, where are the boyfriends?  There is this thing called “brownie points”, where you don’t have to kiss any ass, but you do have to sign up for the spam sponsors.  No thank you. 

What does this mean and why am I bitching?  Because although my avitar who I lovingly named “Le Buffy” are both at work (she works as a Dining Hall Assistant), I am still bored.

“that girl” February 3, 2009

I once had this girlfriend.  Friend who was a girl of course, I’m no lesbo (although I don’t have an issue with lesbians, especially ones who can landscape or fix things).  Anyway, I digress, this friend was worse for me than crystal meth to a lonely trailorpark teenager with low self esteem.  She has no other female friends.  I have this theory about women who have no female companions…it is that way for a reason.  That didn’t happen by accident because of bad luck or because the world is a bad place and women are evil.  This happens because nobody wants to be friends with “that girl”.  “That girl” is crazy…the kind of crazy that attracts good men and ruins them for good.  She loves all attention from men.  She will ditch her girlfriends in an instant because of a call from any male.  She will take their word over any females word.  She will cheat, lie, steal, just to get her kicks. 

This girl also happened to be a drunk.  She would keep me out until all hours of the morning on school/work nights.  She would get me to ditch my commitments and encouraged me to be like her. 

The sad thing about this situation was that I wanted to be her friend.  I wanted so badly to be the true friend that she never had.  I wanted to make her a better person and to “show her the way”.  Sadly, I learned that even when it comes to relationships with women, we cannot change someone. 

Eventually the problems came to a head like a big ugly zit and exploded one night at 4AM.  She called me drunk from downtown (as she very often did).  This time I had been with her earlier in the evening.  I had consumed a couple of beers, but had rested a long time before driving home.  When I left I tried to convince her to let me drive her home or to my house to crash for the night.  A guy “friend” of hers who happens to be married, offered to “take her for a ride” on his motorcycle and although I tried to get her to go home, like always, she decided to go for a joy ride instead with some married pig. 

As it turns out, she “lost” her car keys between the bar, motorcycle escapade, and her drunken lonely walk back to her vehicle.  She called me with her same drunken tirade “I’m not okay” speech, which ultimately nauseates me.  I asked her twice if I could drive back downtown and pick her up, but she insisted on crying about her sad life.  I ran out of sympathy.  I was exhausted from working 2 jobs, going to school full time, working on my senior projects at school, and rehearsing for a play.  I had no more energy to be out with her until 9am drinking and watching her mascara run (she could totally give Courtney Love a run for her money for ‘biggest mess ever’). 

Did I fail to mention how she was always trying to put me on a diet?!?!?!  Yeah, she was a “healthy” woman herself.  She claimed to have an eating disorder, would never eat in front of me, and had severe issues with the fact that I was a confident big woman.  She also wore about a 14/16 and claimed to be a 12.  Although I haven’t been a size 12 since I was a toddler, I just so happen to know how big a 12 is, and she WASN’T. 

So, being the fixer upper that I tend to be…I took it upon myself to fix her.  I would be her friend, teach her to love herself, and do the fun girlfriend stuff like shopping, talking about boys, blah blah blah.  The final night she kept calling my phone at 4Am, without respecting the fact that I had to be up at 8AM for school, forced me to ignore her indefinitely. 

Her final message on my voicemail said something like “I will never talk to you again, for not being there for me, and for making me walk down Market Street like a WHORE”. 

Ladies if you are reading this, don’t become friends with “this girl”.  She will never accept you for who you are because she cannot accept herself.  She doesn’t love herself and therefore cannot love you.  She will never respect you because she has no respect for herself.  She is a poisonous leech who will suck you dry. 

Men, I would tell you not to date her…but you probably already have or will.   Just realize that all women are not like her.