I just reread one of my blogs from nearly 2 years ago. I said I wasn’t settling. I guess in the beginning I didn’t think I WAS settling. He swept me off my feet, or at least I thought. He said I would be the one to save him, that since I was such a “good girl”, that he wanted to be a better man. Well, guess what? I settled like a dumbass and he never changed. Some may wonder why I am blogging about such personal affairs, but to be quite honest it is very therapeutic. I need to get this stuff out. I need to make sense of it. The words scramble in my head like eggs….and i really hate scrambled eggs.
I was sassy and confident and full of life. I sparkled. People recognized me by my obnoxious laugh and my smile. Somewhere in the last few months my sparkle faded and my smile was forced. It was crooked. I was crooked. I had given up principles that I promised to myself I would never budge. I don’t know how it happened. I can’t say that everything was bad. There were lots of fun times in between the rough ones, but in the end, I wasn’t me anymore. I somehow drifted away from my friends, from activities, and from God. I didn’t get to know people that I always wanted to get to know better. I stopped practicing music. My guitar collected dust, I stopped learning. I don’t know how I managed to become unmotivated.
I guess we are never done learning. The process of unraveling was slow, and I picked up many pieces, but I know it is going to take some time to get it all back. I don’t have any unrealistic or unhealthy expectations of getting in a new “relationship” any time soon. I know I’m not ready. If someone cool does come along I wouldn’t mind getting to know him, or hanging out to learn new things about someone else and about me.
I am a lot disappointed in me for letting go of who I was. I am pissed that I put up with a lot of crap from him and his crazy bitch mother. Yes, i said it. And I have no more sympathy left for her, regardless of her “medical condition”. Ya know what, I sadly have 2 family members with Lupus, and a friend with Lupus, and although they have gone through many painful bad times in their lives, none of them have harassed me or put me through any kind of hell. I am releasing her. Neither one of them get any more of my energy. I bit my tongue for the last time.
